


Shine Your Light (I Can't See Without It)

by DobbyRocksSocks



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Eventual Happy Ending, Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, M/M, Off Screen Canon Typical Violence, Romance, So much guilt, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, TW - Alcohol Abuse, TW - Grief, TW - depression, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, cryo, from everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DobbyRocksSocks/pseuds/DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: When Tony loses Steve, he loses everything. Unable to stay in New York, he settles himself in the middle of nowhere, with only his bots and JARVIS for company. When Natasha and Bruce come to him for help, Tony can't say no, but what he finds is more than he can handle. With so many emotions warring, and so much confusion, can the team come back together when it matters?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	Shine Your Light (I Can't See Without It)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MissingMommy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissingMommy/gifts).



> Massive thanks to Dash, who put lots of work into betaing this for me. You're the best :D

Tony was eyeing the vending machine with distrust when an agent skidded into view, panting as he gestured down the corridor to the room his teammates were in. Tony arched an eyebrow at the kid. 

“They need you in there, Sir,” the agent forced out breathlessly, pressing a hand to his chest. “It’s urgent.” 

Dismissing his thought to test out his stomach against the questionable goods in the machine, Tony hurried back towards the room. Maybe there was some word on Cap. 

Natasha met him at the door, and her expression made his stomach swoop uncomfortably. 

“Tony—” 

He pushed past her, eyes already trained on the screens that seemed to be playing an explosion in a loop. 

“What the hell happened?” he asked, leaning on the table to get a closer look at the screen. 

Except… except the familiar blend of blue and white filled his vision, and he realised he was watching Captain America— _ Steve— _ get blown through the air like a ragdoll. 

“What… he’s okay, right?” Tony asked, looking around wildly.

“Surveillance was cut by the explosion,” Fury said, looking uncharacteristically somber. “But his life alert… I’m sorry.” 

“It could have been destroyed by the explosion,” Tony said desperately. “If it took out the machines then—” 

“Tony—” 

_ “He’s not dead!”  _

“Tony, he’s gone.” 

_ … _

“Still no sign,” Tony muttered over the comms, scanning both with his eyes and the tech his suit held. He just needed a sign that Steve was okay, that he’d made it out. 

That he’d escaped death like they’d all done so many times before. 

It had been three days since they’d seen the video, but Tony still flew for hours while the ground teams searched manually through the nooks and crannies of the area. Tony thought it was going to be another wasted day until he heard Clint choke out his name. 

When Tony landed, he was handed the shield. Swiped across it, in an almost artistic way, was dried blood. 

… 

“Bruce confirmed it,” Natasha said softly. “The blood was Steve’s.” 

That doesn’t mean he’s—” 

“He’d have found a way to contact us by now, Tony,” she interrupted gently. “It’s been almost four days, and if he made it out alive… Tony, we’d know by now.” 

“Nat,” Tony said, almost begging her to stop talking because he didn’t want what he already knew to be confirmed. If they said it out loud, they were admitting that they’d failed him. 

That Tony had failed him. 

“I’m so sorry, Tony.” 

… 

Tony looked out at the many faces gazing up at him, and he swallowed hard. Never had it been so hard to be in front of a crowd before. Natasha, Bruce, Clint, Fury… they’d all already spoken, and now it was Tony’s turn, and all of his carefully laid plans were just… evaporating into nothing. 

He bit his lip for a moment, and then he spoke. 

“I know you’re all expecting me to tell you how amazing Captain America is—was. I know you’re expecting me to tell you about his missions, about how he’d never rest until the last person was saved. 

“But you’ve already been told about Captain America. You all know Captain America, you’ve heard him on PSAs, and you’ve seen him slinging his shield around like a giant frisbee, and you’ve been saved by him time and time again. 

“I’m not going to tell you about him. I’m going to tell you about  _ Steve _ .”

Tony paused. He heard a small gasp behind him, and he knew it was either Nat or Pepper, but he couldn’t turn to look; he couldn’t see any of them cry because he’d been holding it together with the last shred of stubbornness he possessed, and if he looked at any of his team right now, he’d fall apart. 

He had to do this. 

For Steve. 

“Steve was… he was everything that was good in the world, and he was also a troll. He loved to wind people up, push buttons and then laugh that innocent laugh that just made everyone forgive him instantly, because how could you not forgive that laugh? 

“He wasn’t a morning person. I’m sure that surprises many; everyone seems to think that Captain America jumped out of bed in the morning, preaching about justice and honesty and the American Way, but Steve… he was terrible in the morning. He hated mornings.” 

Tony shook his head. 

“He was an artist, though he hated people seeing his work, because he never felt like he was good enough. He was. He was excellent. Steve was… he was one of the most… the most amazing men I’ve ever met, and he was… he was  _ Steve.  _

“And that’s who we’ve lost. The world, the world has lost Captain America. But us? The people who lived with him, the people who spent every day with him… we’ve lost Steve Rogers, and that’s a bigger loss than I can try and describe to you.” 

Tony stepped back from the podium, and Rhodey managed to get his arms around his waist before his legs collapsed. 

He’d done what he’d come to do; he’d paid his last respects.

Now he was free to fall apart. 

… 

Empty bottles littered the floor of the lab, and Tony almost fell when he stumbled over one of them. He didn’t even really notice when it smashed, the glass piercing his sock. 

He slumped onto the sofa with his newest bottle and unscrewed it clumsily, not even pretending that he was going to use a glass to drink it. 

“You’re a mess, Tones,” a soft voice murmured. 

It took Tony a moment to place it, but when his eyes focused, it was to see Rhodey crouched in front of the sofa, a concerned frown marring his face. 

“Rhodey!” he slurred. “Here, have some!” 

He pushed the bottle towards his best friend, and Rhodey took it, though he didn’t drink from it. Instead, he placed it down on the floor, out of the way, and then gently tugged Tony against him. 

“Come on, Tones, let’s go get some sleep, hmm?” 

“But… no.” 

“Tones.” 

“ _ Steve is sleeping,”  _ Tony whispered. “He’s sleeping the long sleep, the one you don’t wake up from. I don’t wanna sleep ‘cause Steve's sleeping and he’s gonna be soooo disappointed with me, Rhodey. Steve’s disappointed face could bring the world into submission, it’s  _ awful. _ ”

“He won’t be disappointed with you,” Rhodey chided, as he finally got Tony onto his feet. He swayed dramatically and Rhodey snorted, firmly holding him around the waist. “Steve was proud of you, Tones. He was proud of all of you, he always was.” 

“But I let him  _ die. _ ” 

“You didn’t let him—” 

“Yes I did,” Tony said, and he was shaking now, trembling in Rhodey’s embrace. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to be thinking. “Where’s the bottle? You big thief, Sour Patch, where did you put it?” 

“I don’t think you need any more, Tones. Come on. Come with me.” 

“Where we going?” 

Rhodey guided him to the door. “We’re going to get some sleep, and in the morning, we’re going to talk, okay?” 

“With whiskey?” 

“With coffee, and preferably after a shower.” 

Tony huffed, but he didn’t argue. There was no point; Rhodey was as stubborn as Tony was. 

As stubborn as Steve had— 

“Kay.” 

… 

Rhodey sat in the chair beside the bed, a book open in his lap. Tony was still sleeping, had been for ten hours. Rhodey had slept beside him for a few hours, but there was no way he was leaving before Tony woke up. 

The genius would be locked up in his workshop before Rhodey could blink, and then he’d be up shit creek without a paddle. 

He was worried about his friend. While he’d been expecting Tony to grieve, and grieve hard _ ,  _ he hadn’t expected this. It had been two weeks since the funeral and Tony hadn’t left his lab. Pepper had called him in, crying into the phone, because Tony wouldn’t even look at her. 

Rhodey wondered why the team hadn’t done anything, only to find out that they’d been the ones to call Pepper in the first place, because Tony had locked them out of the workshop completely. 

Only Pepper and Rhodey’s overrides still worked. 

Tony shifted on the bed, and Rhodey looked up from his book to see Tony blink his eyes open, sluggish and pained. Rhodey sighed. Tony would be suffering a hell of a comedown if what JARVIS had said about his drinking was anything to judge by. 

According to the AI, Tony had been drunk since the funeral. 

“Urgh, turn the sun off,” Tony complained, covering his face with the quilt. 

Rhodey chuckled. “Blinds are drawn, Tones. There’s barely any light in here.” 

“Lies. All lies.” 

“That bad, huh?” 

“Metallica is playing in my head, and they are drunk. That’s how bad.” 

“Oof,” Rhodey winced. “Well, when your eyes have adjusted, I’ll have J start the shower for you, mkay? And I’ll make you coffee and breakfast while you clean yourself up.” 

“Do I smell that bad that you won’t give me coffee before my shower?” 

“Yes. Yes you do.” 

Tony peeked one eye out to glare at him, but then wrinkled his nose. “Ew. You’re right. Oh my god, didn’t you sleep in here with me last night?” 

“Yes I did.” 

Tony regarded him for a long moment before he pushed the covers off himself. “Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you’re not the best kind of friend, James Rhodes.” 

… 

Showered and dressed in sweatpants and one of Rhodey’s old t-shirts, Tony joined him in the kitchen, propping himself up at the breakfast bar. Rhodey had asked the team to clear out, so it was just the two of them there and Tony seemed relieved by that. 

“Think you can handle eggs and bacon?” Rhodey asked, raising his eyebrow. 

Tony shook his head. “Smoothie, please.” 

“Kay.” 

Rhodey puttered around the kitchen for a few minutes, making Tony’s smoothie and a fresh pot of coffee, and making his own grilled cheese, before he joined Tony. 

“I know that look,” Tony muttered, when their eyes met. “You’re going to have the intervention talk with me, aren’t you?” 

“Do you need it?” Rhodey asked, tilting his head slightly. 

Tony chuckled softly. “Probably. Don’t I always?” 

“Not always,” Rhodey denied. “You just occasionally go a little off the tracks, is all.” 

“I think I fell off the tracks into the river of bad choices this time, Honeybear.” 

“Maybe,” Rhodey conceded. “But hey, it’s okay. You just need to learn to swim again, right?” 

“I think… I think I need to not be here,” Tony admitted after a pause. “Everywhere I look I’m… I’m reminded that I failed him.” 

“You—” 

“Don’t tell me I didn’t,” Tony interrupted, shaking his head. “I should have never let him go alone, and that’s something I have to learn to live with. I just…” 

“You just?” 

Tony swallowed hard. “I can’t be here without thinking about him, and I can’t, uh. I can’t think about him without falling apart. Not yet.” 

“So leave for a while,” Rhodey said. “Go back to Malibu, or travel for a while. It’s not like you haven’t earned a break, Tones. Get your head back on straight, give yourself some time to heal, hmm?” 

“Yeah, I. Yeah. I think I will. Travel, I mean. Just not be here.” 

Rhodey smiled at him. “You know I gotchu, right? If you need anything… I’m only a call away, Tones. I can be there, anywhere in the world, in the space of a few hours. Just remember that, alright?” 

… 

“Maybe some time away would be good for you,” Natasha said, perched on his bed as she watched him pack up the last of the clothes he was taking with him. “We’ll miss you.” 

Tony bit his lip and nodded. “I’ll miss you too.” 

“You’re really not going to tell us where you’re going?” 

“I don’t  _ know  _ where I’m going. I just… can’t be here.” 

“You’re coming back though, right?” 

Tony zipped up his suitcase and turned to look at her. He didn’t have to answer. She already knew. 

…

He moved and moved and moved, because he thought that if he stopped, he might never start again. He drove, he flew, he walked… it didn’t matter, as long as he kept moving. 

His first thought had been Malibu, but he couldn’t bring himself to even visit. 

He’d been happy in Malibu, back before Afghanistan, before Iron Man had become such an intricate part of his life. 

Before Steve. 

He couldn’t go back because he knew he’d never be able to catch even a shade of the happiness he’d known back then, and that happiness had never been able to hold a candle to the happiness he’d known since. 

So Tony continued on, searching for something that he didn’t know what he was actually looking for. 

How do you find peace when your heart is shattering so loud it echoes in your ears? 

… 

And then he stopped. 

… 

The cabin was rough, there was no denying it. Tony hadn’t thought twice about buying it, hadn’t even tried to get the price reduced on it. 

A fixer upper, something for him to sink into, to tire himself out with, was just what he needed. And it was perfect. 

Solitude wasn’t something he’d ever craved before, but right now, it was exactly what he needed. 

He built, and he fixed and he added and he changed until the cabin was perfect. It ran on clean energy, of course, an arc reactor fitted close by, and he had all the amenities he could ever need. He dug out, and built a workshop for himself, taking a quick trip to New York only to pack the bots carefully to have them shipped out to him. 

At the end of the day, when the work was done, Tony poured himself a coffee and retired to the patio. 

While he still ached for the numbness only copious amounts of alcohol could produce, he pushed back at the compulsion and filled his hands with screwdrivers and hammers instead. 

Steve had never liked it when he drank too much. 

...

The woods were dense and populous with animals and plants and so much  _ life.  _ Even when he was alone, which was almost always, he never felt like he was. There was never any silence in the woods. 

Even New York City had quieted at three in the morning—but here, even at the time when most animals were sleeping, there were still noises. 

It was comforting in a way, Tony supposed. He had the solitude he’d built this place for, but he wasn’t alone. Not really. 

He was used to it now, anyway, so maybe it was just exposure. He rarely spoke to anyone these days, though Pepper and Rhodey were both incredibly stubborn and demanded at least one video call a week to stop them from storming his quiet space. 

Pepper always looked sad when they got to the end of their conversations, when Tony made noises about getting off the phone, and he didn’t know how to fix that. He wanted to—he didn’t like making Pepper sad—but to go back to New York would require a strength that Tony didn’t have yet. 

That he’d maybe never have. 

She worried about him though, and he knew that. She didn’t like him being alone, she’d told him multiple times. It wasn’t good for him to isolate himself so much. 

He tried to assure her that he was fine. 

It wasn’t like he was completely alone anyway. He had JARVIS, and DUM-E, and U and Butterfingers. His boys gave him all the company he needed, just as they always had. 

Rhodey was both more understanding and less; he seemed to realise why Tony couldn’t go back to New York—though neither of them ever said it explicitly—but he didn’t like the way Tony had left not only New York, but the people he’d called his family. 

Tony didn’t know what he was supposed to do about that. As much as he’d attached the feeling of Steve to New York, he knew that it was just as attached to the Avengers as a whole. He just couldn’t bring himself to face any of them. 

Both of them seemed to think that Tony was still grieving. They were right in a way, he supposed, but also not quite. Tony wasn’t only grieving Steve. He hadn’t just lost Steve; he lost a chance at what would have been. 

Regardless, Tony was… content with his life now. He wasn’t happy, he doubted he’d ever feel real happiness again, and he’d accepted that, but he was content. 

Satisfied with the small place he’d carved out for himself to exist. 

And he was still helping the world, albeit without the shiny suit. He was still creating, making new things for SI to market, creating better, stronger, greater medical equipment and working on the clean energy that had started his journey to a new life all those years ago. 

It wasn’t a perfect life, not by any stretch, but it was what he had. 

…

“Sir, it appears you have visitors.” 

Tony frowned, his fingers stilling where they’d been tinkering with a device he’d been working on for SI’s latest medical advances. 

“Friendly?” 

“It’s Agent Romanoff, Sir, and Dr Banner.” 

Tony’s frown deepened, and he dropped his tools and got up, carefully closing the workshop before he made his way up to the main cabin. He had no idea why they’d turned up after two years of silence from him, but he knew it couldn’t be good. 

It never was with the Avengers. 

When he opened the door, he found Natasha leaning against the railing of the porch, sunglasses perched on her head, the usual leathers nowhere to be seen. She was instead wearing jeans and a simple t-shirt, and immediately, Tony’s suspicion went up a few notches. 

Bruce stood at the bottom of the steps, wringing his hands slightly. 

He was nervous, though Tony supposed he could understand that. Two years was a long time to not see someone. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Tony asked, arching his eyebrow at Natasha. 

Her lip quirked. “Not going to invite us inside?” 

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Tony admitted. “Why are you here, Nat?” 

“We need your help.” 

“With what?” 

“Clint. He’s missing,” she said, and Tony’s heart clenched painfully in his chest because this was too similar, too close and he shook his head. 

“That’s not my department anymore. If that’s all?” 

“Tony, please,” she said, reaching a hand out to stop him going back inside. “He’s… he’s family. Just like you are. Just like Steve—” 

“Don’t.” 

“If we hadn’t exhausted everything else first, we wouldn’t have bothered you,” Bruce said quietly. “I… I know how hard it was for you after… I know how hard it was for you. I wouldn’t have come, wouldn’t have let Nat come, if we didn’t really need you, Tony.” 

Tony sighed. 

He turned and opened the door, stepping through it. He could slam the door closed behind him and they’d leave, he knew, but something stilled his hand, and he left it open for them to follow him. 

He led the way into the kitchen, and pulled out a pitcher of lemonade from the fridge, and three glasses from the rack. 

When Natasha accepted hers and took a sip, she raised her eyebrows at him. 

“I don’t drink anymore,” he muttered. “It’s just lemonade. Tell me about Clint.” 

“He was on a solo for SHIELD,” she said, perching on one of the stools by the island in the kitchen. “And he was captured by Hydra. He’s still alive, and we think we know where he is, but getting in is practically impossible. They’ve developed a locking tech that SHIELD hasn’t been able to find a way to bypass yet, and obviously we can’t just blow the place up with Clint inside. It would defeat the point of a ‘rescue’ mission.” 

“Did you fetch the specs for the locking mechanism?” he asked, and took the flash drive she was already handing over. He looked down at it—it was nothing special, just standard SHIELD issue—and sighed. 

“I’ll see what I can do, alright? No promises.” 

She smiled at him and nodded. “Thanks, Tony. You know I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have to, right? It’s just… it’s Clint, you know?” 

“I… yeah, I know.” 

How could he not? 

… 

Tony cracked the lock in just under five hours. He had to admit, it was an impressive mechanism, but, well. 

Hydra weren’t him, were they? 

Natasha and Bruce were lounging in his living room when he ascended the stairs from his workshop, his heart heavy. 

He really didn’t want to do this, but he had little choice. 

“We can leave in the morning,” he said, making Bruce jump. Natasha turned her head, no surprise on her face, but that meant nothing. 

He was quite sure she was impossible to startle. 

“You cracked it?” Bruce asked, his lips tilting up slightly. 

“Did you doubt me?” Tony asked, raising his eyebrow. 

“We’re here, aren’t we?” Bruce offered. “Explain?” 

“Wait,” Natasha said, holding her hand up. “What do you mean ‘we’ leave in the morning? Tony, I never expected you to—” 

“I have no choice,” he huffed out, throwing himself into his favourite, well worn, armchair. “I’ll have to be on-site to unlock it, there’s no other way. It’s… it’s fine. I won’t let Clint die because I’m being a stubborn asshole. It’s just one mission, right?” 

She nodded slowly. “Thank you.” 

“Uh huh.” 

…

Tony didn’t sleep. He’d explained the locking mechanism to Bruce briefly before excusing himself from their company. He gave them free range with the kitchen, and told them to help themselves to the spare room before he’d returned downstairs to his workshop. 

The suit stood sentry before him as JARVIS ran the checks. It was fully functional, fixed up and fighting fit as it were. 

Tony’s palms were sweaty. 

“Everything is ready, Sir,” JARVIS said softly, as though he knew Tony was nervous. He probably did. JARVIS knew everything about him. 

“Thanks, J. The uplink is secure?” 

“It is.” 

“Good, good.” He hesitated for a moment before he stepped into the suit, feeling it close around him like a second skin, so familiar it took his breath away for a moment. 

“You there, J?” 

“For you sir? Always.” 

… 

“Are you ready?” Natasha asked, when they stepped out into the sun the following morning. 

Tony nodded, even as internally he screamed,  _ nonono, nope, not even slightly.  _

He swallowed hard. “Let’s get this done.” 

… 

It was like he’d never been away. Tony flew through the corridors, shooting agents left and right as he listened out for word from Natasha that she’d found Clint. Bruce was outside the bunker, having decided that Clint might need Bruce a little more than they needed a ‘code-green’, and Tony… Tony was having a  _ blast.  _

He’d forgotten how much he loved being Iron Man. 

(That was a lie. He hadn’t forgotten.) 

“I’ve got him,” Natasha said, panting a little. 

“Need any help getting him out?” Tony asked, and he heard a snort, and then a gasp. 

“Tony?” 

“In the flesh. You good, Legolas?” 

“It’s fucking good to hear your voice, mate.” 

“Yeah, yeah, be happy later. You good? Nat, you need a lift out with him?” 

“We’re good, he’s walking. Sort of. Enough,” Natasha said into her comm unit. “We’re almost out.” 

“Copy. Well, since I’m here and all… might as well have a little fun fucking Hydra’s plans up, huh? I’ll meet you outside. Get as far from the bunker as you can.” 

“Tony—” 

“Let him have his fun,” Clint interrupted her before she could caution against it. “It’s been a while for him.” 

“Merida needs checking for a concussion,” Tony said, as he spun around a corner and shot at three more agents. “He’s talking sense.” 

… 

“Okay, what have we got here,” Tony murmured to himself as he scanned the computer systems carefully. Slipping a drive into the USB slot, he told JARVIS to pull whatever he could from the system. 

Peeking around a corner, he found another room and frowned. He’d already passed through the security room and there’d been no sign of an extra room attached to this room. 

Curious, Tony pushed the door, blowing the lock when it wouldn’t open. It was freezing inside, and there were strange tubes lining the walls. 

They looked like test tubes, except… supersized. 

He found a light switch, and when it came on, flickering dismally and barely any better than the darkness he’d had before, Tony rolled his eyes. Seriously, they could make world destroying weapons, but they couldn’t power their bases? 

Assholes. 

Turning around, Tony figured there wasn’t much there worth looking at anyway, when a small green light on the end tube caught his eye. He approached it warily—god knows what Hydra were cooking up down here—and retracted one of the gauntlets so he could wipe at the tube. 

“Holy fuck.” 

… 

Tony sat on the quinjet, so still he could have been frozen. Which, what a fucking joke. 

Clint lay on the nearby double seat, watching him silently. Bruce sat towards the back of the jet, taking notes and talking hurriedly into the phone pressed between his ear and shoulder. Nat flew the jet steadily, which honestly, was more than Tony could have done. 

The only part of him that was moving were his hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. 

He couldn’t believe how badly he’d failed. More than let Steve die, he’d let  _ them  _ take him, keep him frozen for over two years. 

Steve had confided in Tony once, that his biggest fear was waking up to find himself in the future again, and here it was coming true, and Tony… Tony could have stopped it. Hadn’t he said that the Captain wasn’t dead? 

Hadn’t he been sure of it? 

And yet… he’d still given up and Steve had paid the price. 

Tony couldn’t bear to look over at the Captain, so still and pale on the bed in the back of the jet. He probably shouldn’t have opened the cryo tube, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He’d carried Steve out and straight onto the jet, begging Bruce to help him, to save him. 

Tony had no idea if he’d even wake up but… 

He swallowed hard. 

This was so fucked up. 

… 

Tony was the last to step into the compound. A medical team were waiting for them with two beds already prepped when they landed on the sprawling grass, and Steve and Clint had been whisked away, followed closely by Bruce and Natasha. 

Tony followed behind them, his feet sluggish. He didn’t want to be here. New York, the Compound, Medical… he didn’t want to be anywhere near any of it. He wanted to be at home, in his cabin in the woods, where he’d been  _ content.  _

The emotions rolling around inside of him were making him nauseous, and the panic that he hadn’t really felt for over a year was clawing at his throat, worse for its absence. 

When Tony finally made it to the medical wing, he found Natasha and Bruce had already taken up seats in the waiting area. He could just barely hear the sounds of the doctors and nurses talking rapidly in the next rooms along, but he couldn’t make out any actual words. 

It was more like a distant humming sound. 

The waiting area was just how he remembered it—white walls, uncomfortable chairs, a solitary piece of what he was sure was supposed to be art but looked more like a blob of paint on a canvas. 

He’d spent enough time here to know the whole wing intimately, after all, having spent plenty of time in the waiting room or in a bed of his own. It was always easier to be the one in the bed, despite the physical pain that came from being there. 

Waiting for news, well, he’d never really been good at waiting. Especially when the injuries were serious. Every single one of them had been injured to the point of not knowing if they’d wake up during their time as a team, and Tony had never handled it well. 

Despite his hatred of hospitals, Tony definitely preferred to be the patient. 

“Sit down, Tones,” Nat said, patting the seat beside her. “We’re probably going to be in for the long haul here.” 

Tony sat, though not in the seat she’d gestured to him. He sat in the one closest to the door, feeling better for the escape route he was trying to convince himself not to take. 

Where would he go anyway? 

The only place he wanted to go to wasn’t his anymore. Natasha would follow him, make him come back; he had no doubt about it. Now that they’d been there, the cabin wasn’t  _ his  _ anymore. Not really, not as it had been. 

And he knew that nobody would understand Tony wanting to stay away now. Especially if Steve was okay. Wasn’t that why he’d left? 

They’d hound him until he gave in, or until he had to run, and run and keep running. Nobody would understand that Steve being alive wasn’t enough to make him feel better. 

It wasn’t enough, because despite Steve’s continued breathing, Tony had still failed, perhaps even worse than he’d already believed. 

“Your lab and rooms are still the same, Tones,” Bruce said quietly. “If you want to get some rest later, I mean. We didn’t change anything.” 

Tony swallowed hard. He knew Bruce was trying to make him feel better, perhaps even trying to make sure Tony knew he was still ‘one of the family’, but it didn’t make him feel better. 

He didn’t think anything would right now. Nodding slightly so Bruce knew he’d been heard, Tony concentrated on the blobby artwork. He couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere else. 

… 

“Mr Barton will be fine,” the doctor told them, an hour into their wait. “A few weeks rest, good food and he’ll be back to fighting fit.” 

The relief on Natasha and Bruce’s faces were plain for Tony to see and he tried to smile but wasn’t sure if he managed it. 

Probably not. 

It was good to hear that Clint would be okay, it really was, but Clint wasn’t the one Tony was the most worried about. 

They’d already known Clint was alive, talking, even cracking jokes. Clint wasn’t the one in danger. 

… 

“You should try and get some sleep, Tones,” Bruce said softly. “We’ll wake you up if there’s any news.” 

Tony just shook his head. 

Inside, he was laughing bitterly. Sleep? 

He’d be avoiding that for as long as physically possible, thank you very much. God only knew what his nightmares would make of this latest situation. Whatever it was, Tony wasn’t looking forward to it. 

Bruce sighed but nodded, standing up and stretching. “I’m going to go and get coffee; I’ll fetch you both some back.” 

As he passed Tony, he squeezed his shoulder gently. 

Tony tried so hard not to flinch away from the touch, but the look on Bruce’s face told him he’d failed. Dismally. 

Again. 

… 

“Amazingly, Captain America—” 

“His name is Steve Rogers,” Tony snapped, and the doctor had the grace to look sheepish. 

“Ah. Captain Rogers, my apologies. Well, amazingly, he’s almost completely uninjured. When he wakes up, I imagine he’ll be confused certainly, but otherwise, the serum has protected him once again.” 

“So he’s going to be okay?” Natasha asked, standing up.

She glanced at Tony, and her hand twitched as if she wanted to reach out to him, but she didn’t. He was pathetically grateful for it. 

A simple touch would ruin what little hold he had on himself, he knew. 

“The brain scans went well—as he unfroze, as it were, they got stronger, and now they match the ones we had before the… accident.” 

Tony bit his lip as a wave of relief threatened to pull him under. Steve was… he was going to be okay. 

Undoubtedly full of contempt for Tony for not saving him, but alive and angry was better than dead and nothing. 

And Tony wouldn’t stay. He wouldn’t force his presence on Steve after failing him so thoroughly. 

As the doctor stepped closer to Bruce to answer his questions, Tony forced himself to his feet. 

“Are you okay?” Natasha asked, and this time she did reach out, gripping at his arm carefully as he stood to his full height. 

Tony clenched his jaw, but nodded. 

“I just… need some air,” he muttered. 

She squeezed his arm. “Do you want me to come with you?” 

“No, I’m… I’m good. I just need a minute, Nat. Besides, you can go in and see Clint now, right? You should do that. Tell him I’m glad he’s okay.” 

“You could come with me, tell him yourself?” 

Biting his lip, Tony shook his head again. “Not… Not right now. I just need a minute, Nat. I’m okay.” 

She released him, but he knew she didn’t believe him. Hell,  _ he  _ didn’t believe him. Tony just didn’t have the energy to attempt to mask his emotions right now. 

… 

Tony flew through the sky, his breathing just a little bit easier with every mile further away from the compound he got. 

He tried to tell himself that he wasn’t running away, but he absolutely was. He just couldn’t face Steve’s anger; or worse, his disappointment. 

Hadn’t he told Rhodey, all that time ago, that Cap’s disappointment could bring the world into submission? Tony couldn’t handle the force of that being turned on him, not now. 

Hell, if the suit wasn’t supporting him, Tony didn’t think he could handle the force of a light wind right now. 

Regardless, he wasn’t going to put himself,  _ or  _ Steve through that. 

It was enough to know that Steve was okay, or going to be at any rate. That he was alive and breathing, and eventually, he’d be smiling, and laughing that laugh that never failed to make Tony smile. 

Even if Tony didn’t get to see any of it, it was enough to know that it was happening. 

… 

Natasha opened the door slowly. There were no lights on, and it looked undisturbed from when she’d left the cabin with Tony and Bruce in tow. 

Tony hadn’t been back here. 

She’d been so sure when he left that he’d be here. It was the only reason she’d given him the few days respite before hunting him down. She’d known he’d need space, time to get his head in gear and accept that Steve wasn’t actually dead. 

It was a lot for anyone to take in—hell, she could still hardly believe it herself—but for Tony, even more so. He’d taken Steve’s ‘death’ harder than any of them, and had still been suffering for it only a few days ago, despite his pretense that he was happy here in the middle of the woods. 

But… she’d expected him to be here. 

Slipping her phone from her pocket, she dialled a number and waited for it to connect. It didn’t take long, thankfully. 

“Natasha?” 

“Hey, Pepper, I uh—” 

“Are you ringing about Tony? Have you seen him?” 

Natasha blinked. “That’s what I was calling you about,” she admitted. “I, uh, don’t know how much you know about—” 

“JARVIS told me about Steve,” Pepper said softly. “I’m glad he’s going to be okay, Nat.” 

“Well, yeah, that’s great, of course it is,” Nat agreed. “Except when Tony left the compound, I thought he just needed some space. I thought he’d go back to his cabin, you know? But he’s not here, and well… I guess you don’t know where he is either.” 

“He’s turned off all the monitors,” Pepper said, and Nat could hear the worry in her voice. “Even after Steve, well, when, after the funeral, and Rhodey found him, and Tony left, he kept the trackers on for me and Rhodey so we wouldn’t worry about him too much, you know?” 

“Jesus,” Natasha muttered, running a hand through her hair. “His life signs—” 

“He’s turned  _ all  _ of them off, Nat. JARVIS told me he’s still alive, but Tony’s overridden the emergency codes too, so he can’t tell me where Tony is, or if he’s okay. Rhodey is already out looking for him but… I’m worried about him. He’s never overridden the emergency codes, not ever. You know how deep Tony can get in his head, and he was already barely managing his guilt when he thought Steve was dead. This is… this could send him over the edge.” 

“Okay, Bruce and I will coordinate with Rhodey, and I’ll pull Fury in on it too, see if he can’t get surveillance on it. For the moment, we'll keep it strictly _ need to know _ because Steve is barely awake, and I don’t want to stress him out until I have no other option, and Clint will want to join the search and he’s still recovering himself.” 

“Okay,” Pepper agreed. “If I hear from him, I’ll let you know. Just… please find him, Nat. Bring him home.” 

“We’ll do our best.” 

… 

Steve lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

Two years. 

He’d missed two more years. 

How many times would he be forced to go through this? 

Still, he supposed, at least it wasn’t seventy years this time. 

Things had still changed though. When he’d woken up, he’d been so confused to be in medical without Tony by his side. He’d never woken up there with the genius not by his bedside, tapping on his phone or with his head lolling to the side in an uncomfortable doze. 

Natasha had tried to assure him that Tony was fine, but if he was fine then why wasn’t he here? 

It didn’t make sense and Steve had been through this before—he’d been fed a stupid recording of a game that he’d already lived through—and he didn’t want to do it anymore. 

“Tell me the truth, Nat.” 

And then the whole story had come tumbling out, and Steve could only listen with growing horror as she explained that while he’d been captured by Hydra and frozen for two years, Tony had left the team in that time—though he’d been the one to save Steve, she’d been sure to make him understand that—and that after they thought Steve had died, Tony had hit a bit of a rough patch. 

Steve still didn’t understand. 

If Tony had been the one to save him… why wasn’t he here? 

… 

“Is he here?” 

Natasha smiled slightly and shook her head. “Not yet. He’ll come and see you, Steve. He’s never been able to stay away before, right?” 

Steve tried to return her smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to. “What happened to him, Nat? The Tony I knew loved being Iron Man, he  _ lived  _ for it.” 

He watched as her smile turned sad. “You died, Steve. That’s what happened to him.” 

“But I’m  _ not  _ dead! I’m right here! Why isn’t he here?” 

She sighed, leaning against the edge of his bed. “You know it’s not that simple, Steve. You know what Tony’s like, how he overthinks things sometimes, and how he sometimes takes a moment or twenty to process things. He’ll come around, you know he will. When has he ever been able to stay away from you?” 

Steve clenched at the bedsheets, looking away. 

Yes, he knew how Tony thought sometimes, and yes he understood that this was a lot to process but— 

“He… he blames himself, doesn’t he?” 

Natasha didn’t have to nod for him to know he’d hit the nail on the head. 

_ Idiot.  _

… 

“How’s Cap?” Fury asked, as he stepped into the debriefing room. 

“Recovering. He’s up and about in the medical wing,” Bruce replied as he, Fury and Nat took their seats. “The doctors seem happy to release him in the next couple of days. Of course, Steve thinks he should be released now, but none of us have ever been good at staying in medical.” 

“That’s good, and also completely unsurprising.” Fury ran a hand over his jaw and then sighed. “So, Tony. We haven’t seen any sign of either him or the Iron Man suit, which isn’t hugely surprising, given the cloaking tech he developed last year. It’s not a big reach that he’s added it to the suit. 

“What we do have, however, is another case, and I know we’re all worried about Tony, but I really need you to take a look at this, Romanoff.” 

She frowned but accepted the file. 

“Hydra?” she asked, scanning the scant information. Blown up building, no survivors. She glanced over the pictures and raised her eyebrow. Whoever had done this certainly weren’t playing around. Even without seeing the place in person, she could practically feel the burning rage flowing right out of the photos. 

“Yes, although we’ve got no idea who actually is responsible for this. We’re unsure if it was an accident in-house, or if someone else is responsible, but we need to find out, and quickly.” 

Bruce leant closer to read the file and then arched his eyebrow. “No offence, Director, but I think you’re missing the obvious answer here.” 

Fury blinked. “Do tell, Dr Banner.” 

Natasha beat him to it. “This was Tony. He's going after Hydra.” 

… 

“Alright, someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on,” Steve demanded. The team, what was left of them—god but he missed Tony—were sitting at the breakfast bar. They were supposed to be enjoying their first meal together, but Natasha and Bruce were being secretive, Clint looked just as confused as Steve felt, and Steve didn’t like it. 

They were supposed to be a team. 

“Steve—” 

“Save it, Bruce. I know you’re going to tell me I’m recovering and a lot has happened over the last two years, but I’ve been given the spark notes, and I’m  _ fine.  _ I want to know what’s going on.” 

Natasha sighed. “In the last week, two Hydra bases have been blown to high hell. There have been no survivors at either one and a day later, SHIELD received files filled with info that we believe is from the bases.” 

Steve frowned. “Someone is just blowing Hydra up?” 

“Not someone,” Bruce replied softly. 

“Tony,” Clint said, light dawning in his eyes. “Damn. I knew he was… but this is…” 

Steve waited for him to finish his sentence, and when he didn’t, Steve scowled. 

“Can someone please explain to me why everyone is so…  _ concerned _ about Tony? Not that I’m not worried myself, since I’d expect him to  _ be here,  _ but what  _ happened  _ to him?” 

“He was convinced you weren’t dead,” Bruce said, rubbing a hand over his face. “When we first saw the explosion, I mean. Your life signs unit shorted out, and it looked… but Tony didn’t believe it. He was convinced you were still alive, and he searched for you for days after the explosion. Even when we showed him your shield, with your blood on it, he still didn’t want to believe it, and we… we pushed him to it. We made him see ‘reason’, and Tony… he didn’t handle it well, Steve.” 

Steve bit his lip. He could only imagine how Tony must have felt; Steve knew how he’d feel, if Tony died on a mission, after all, but then, there were perhaps a few differences. 

Steve had long been in love with the snarky genius, after all, and he knew there was no romance on Tony’s part. He knew that he’d been one of the few people Tony trusted though, and he wondered if that was perhaps worse. 

At least for Tony. 

“And then he left the Avengers?” 

Natasha hesitated for a split second, and then nodded. “We didn’t think it was going to be permanent, not really. I thought maybe a year, and then he’d come home, but he didn’t. He travelled for a while, and then settled in a cabin in the woods. And then he stayed there. When Clint got captured, Bruce and I went to him for help, and he agreed, but that was the first time we’d spoken to him since he left just after you ‘died’.” 

Steve blinked. “What do you mean, it was the first time you’d  _ spoken  _ to him?” 

“He refused our calls,” Clint said, shaking his head. “The only people he kept in contact with were Pepper and Rhodes.” 

“And that was under sufferance, according to Pepper,” Nat added. “We didn’t know what to say to him to make him come home, Steve. If we did, we’d have gone and got him ourselves.” 

“And now?” 

“He’s in the wind. Using cloaking technology to avoid surveillance, and he’s turned all his trackers off and overridden JARVIS, so even Pepper can’t find him. He’s turned off his life alert.” 

“But he’s—” 

“He’s alive,” Natasha said. “JARVIS could tell Pepper that much.” 

“And now he’s blowing up Hydra bases,  _ alone,  _ and nobody knows if he’s injured or if he needs help or even where he is?” 

Bruce rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a moment, nodding his head. “That’s about the long and short of it, yes.” 

“Jesus Christ,” Clint muttered, shaking his head. “So, have you got any idea how we’re supposed to find him?” 

“Not at the moment. Fury has all eyes and ears to the ground, hopefully Tony will slip up, or he’ll decide to come home,” Natasha said, shaking her head. “We’ve fucked up. We should never have let him pull away from us the way he did and that’s for us to make up for when we find him, but in the meantime—” 

She cut off, pulling her phone from her pocket when it dinged softly. 

“What is it?” Clint asked, when her eyebrow arched at what she was seeing on the screen. 

“A text with an address. I… I think it’s from Tony. There's no number, but the screen name is J. Just the letter. Which… JARVIS, right?” 

“Could be a trap,” Clint pointed out, though his expression was steely. 

“Could be,” Steve agreed. “Wheels up in fifteen minutes.” 

… 

Clint landed the jet as close to the address as he could, and the Avengers mobilised on foot. They were all wearing civilian clothes, hoping to hide in plain sight as it were, and Steve had a cap pulled low, hoping to hide his appearance. 

While he knew that his being alive would get out soon enough, he’d rather have Tony home before Hydra realised that he was alive and well, if there was a chance they didn’t already know that. 

The address turned out to be a normal looking two story house, with a small, well kept garden and a tidy exterior. It could have been any house in a million of similar looking buildings, and none of them would have ever looked twice at it. 

It made all of them nervous. 

“All guns blazing?” Clint asked, as they stared up at the house. 

“Or we could just knock on the door,” Bruce suggested, rolling his eyes. 

Steve snorted, even as he moved to the front of the group to do just that. There was a tense wait for a few minutes before the door opened. 

Steve relaxed immediately. 

“Steve? What the fuck, man?” Sam asked, frowning. He looked at the rest of the Avengers. “What the fuck, guys?” 

“Can we come in?” Steve asked, nodding to the neighbours who were puttering around the street, a few of them glancing over curiously. 

Sam stepped back, waving them into the living room, and it was there that Steve thought his heart was going to jump out of his mouth. In the doorway between the living room and what Steve assumed was either the dining room or the kitchen, stood Bucky. 

“Buck?” 

“Hey, Stevie.” 

… 

“You’ve got some es’plaining to do,” Sam said, when they were all seated in the slightly cramped living room. 

Steve was sure it was fine for just two people, but for the six of them, it was a tight squeeze. Thankfully, Clint had no problem perching on the arm of Natasha’s chair. 

“So do you,” he pointed out, glancing at Bucky. “But me first?” 

Sam nodded. 

“I’m… not dead, obviously. Hydra froze me in cryo. They caught Clint and had him held in the same facility, and well… Tony decided to storm the building after they’d rescued Clint and he found me and brought me home.” 

“Tony? Where is he?” Sam asked, looking around as if expecting the genius to just pop up from behind someone with a smile and a wave. 

“We don’t know,” Natasha said, running a hand through her hair. “It’s a long story.” 

“I’m all ears,” Sam said, leaning back in his seat. 

With a sigh, she nodded, and told the whole story from beginning to end. Steve couldn’t help wincing at certain parts, despite knowing the story himself now. It wouldn’t matter how many times she explained it, really. The tightness in her eyes told him she felt the same way. 

Sam and Bucky’s eyes were both wide when she was done talking, and she looked down at her hands. Steve bit his lip. 

“Damn, y’all blew that one to hell.” 

“Yes, thank you, we’re fully aware,” Natasha snapped back. “We’re trying to fix it, but then we got a text with this address that we believe came from Tony so… here we are.” 

“Why would Tony give you my address?” Sam asked, brow furrowing. 

“Best guess would be that he knew Barnes was here,” Clint said, biting his lip. “All of what Tony is doing at the moment is for Cap, right? And he knew that Cap was searching for Barnes and he would have wanted to give him his best friend back, if he’s trying to make Cap happy.” 

“Can you tell us what’s… how this happened?” Steve asked, pointing at the two of them. 

Sam glanced at Bucky, who nodded silently. 

“After you ‘died’,” Sam started, doing the most ridiculous air quotes. “I thought I should keep an eye out for Barnes. Knew you wanted him safe, and I figured it was the least I could do, you know? A few months after, I got a text with an address, so I followed it, and I found this misfit there, hunkered down in a shitty little flat, twitching if the curtains so much as moved with the breeze.” 

“You’re a jackass,” Bucky muttered, rolling his eyes. 

“ _ So _ , I convinced him to come home with me—with all my manly charm, you know—and then I got another message from the same number. That one was with a date and time for a delivery and then Colonel Rhodes turns up with a… device? I don’t know what it was, but anyway it helped Buck sort his noggin out, whatever it was. Rhodes came once a week for close to six months until all the triggers were gone and Buck was feeling a little steadier on his feet.” 

“Tony’s B.A.R.F,” Bruce murmured. 

“He really needs a better name for that,” Clint said, rolling his eyes fondly. “When we bring him home, I’m going to help him come up with a kickass name for it.” 

Steve looked at Bucky. “You’re really doing okay?” 

Bucky nodded slowly. “I’ll never be the man you remember.” 

Smiling slightly, Steve shook his head. “I’m not even the man I remember, Buck. Whoever you are now… I look forward to getting to know you, okay?” 

“You’re still a punk.” 

Steve chuckled. “You’ve always been a jerk.” 

Natasha’s phone rang, and the blaring of the ringtone was loud in the newfound silence. They all tensed as she answered it. 

It was a short conversation, and she was already getting to her feet when she said, “We’ve gotta head back. Another Hydra base has just gone up.” 

… 

“Shit, fuck, Jesus fucking Christ, ouch,” Tony moaned as the suit fell away. He stumbled across the tiny room to grab a medical kit, wincing the whole way. 

He felt like his side was on  _ fire.  _

“Fucking fuck,” he murmured, looking at the wound in the dirty mirror. 

“Sir, if I may—” 

“How is the team, J? How is, uh, how is he?” 

“Sir, at the moment your own well being is—” 

“J, please.” 

“The team are all fine, Sir,” JARVIS said after a brief pause. His tone was that of someone long suffering, and Tony choked on a chuckle. He was so goddamn proud of his boy. “They’re at the compound, and Mr Wilson and Mr Barnes have joined them.” 

Tony smiled. At least Steve wasn’t alone. He had his best friend back. He had the team. 

“J, patch me through to Rhodey. Untraceable, and I  _ mean  _ it _. _ ” 

“As you say, Sir.” 

There was a short pause as Tony ran an antiseptic wipe over his wound, wincing as the fire diminished for a moment and then returned even stronger. 

“Tones?” 

“Hey, Sour Patch.” 

“You’re a goddamn pain in my arse, you hear me? Are you okay? Tell me where you are!”

“Motherfucking fuck,” Tony hissed, pressing the wound together with butterfly bandages that he knew weren’t enough. “I’m fine, Rhodey.” 

“The hell you are,” Rhodey replied. “I  _ just heard you,  _ dumbass.” 

“Well, yes, there’s a little bit of blood. Just a tiny bit. I’m fine, will be fine, whatever. I need you to do something for me.” 

“You need to tell me where you are so I can come and make sure you’re okay,” Rhodey replied. “Please, Tones. You’re scaring everyone. And also, I don’t know what the hell you were thinking, turning off the life signs alert, but fuck you for that, you scared the bejezus out of me!” 

“Sorry,” Tony said, though he couldn’t help but smile. His Honeybear was such a drama queen sometimes. “Really, I didn’t… I’m sorry for worrying you. I uh, haven’t got my head on straight, you know?” 

“I do know. Remember what I said? It’s fine, Tones, you just gotta gimme a call and I’ll be there. Just tell me where you are.” 

“I can’t. Not yet. I’m not done yet. I’ll let you know when you can come to me, okay? I will, I promise, but not yet. I need you to go to the compound.” 

“Tones—” 

“Please, Rhodey. I need you to go and check on the team, make sure they’re all okay, make sure Cap is happy. He’s got Barnes back, you know? He should be happy. I want him to be happy.”

“He’ll be happier when you’re there with him, honey,” Rhodey said softly. “He’s going spare with worry, we all are. Tones, if you want to take Hydra down, we can do that, but let us, let  _ me  _ help you. We can do it together, Tones.” 

“I, no. I have to do this. I failed him the first time, I won’t fail him again. Those fuckers won’t ever lay a hand on him again, Rhodey, I swear it. They  _ won’t. _ ”

“Tones—” 

“And I need you to do one more thing,” Tony added, wincing as he let go of the skin, only for the butterfly bandages to snap away without him holding the skin together. “ _ Fuckitall _ . Uh. I need you to tell Steve that I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sorry I didn’t save him. Tell him I’m sorry I let him down.” 

“Tones—” 

Tony waved for JARVIS to end the call, and then collapsed down onto the bed. “J, don’t let me sleep too long.” 

“Sir, your wound—” 

“I’m not gonna die, J. I’ll wrap it when I wake up. Don’t worry so much.” 

“With you, Sir, it’s a wonder I do anything else.” 

…

Rhodey stared at the phone for a long moment before he sighed, pressing his forehead against the window he was standing by. 

Fucking idiot. 

He was going to kill Tony when he got his hands on him—after he hugged him and shouted at him and hugged him some more, of course. 

He stood there for a moment and then moved away, turning into his flat. “He’s okay, J?” 

The little modem that Tony had long ago given him lit up. 

“Sir is alive,” JARVIS replied. “I am sorry that I cannot tell you anymore, Colonel, but Sir really has forbidden me. I have yet to find a loophole.” 

“I know, J, it’s not your fault. When I get him back, I’m gonna make him build some failsafes into your code so you can override his dumb ass when he gets like this.” 

“That would be helpful, Colonel.” 

Rhodey nodded and then sighed. “Suppose I better make my way to New York then, hmm?” 

… 

Before Rhodes had even touched down on the lawn of the compound, Steve was in front of him, the rest of the team only a few steps behind him. 

“We heard the repulsors,” Steve explained, when Rhodey flipped the faceplate to raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Ah,” Rhodey said, as the suit opened around him. “I should have known that eagerness wasn’t for me.” 

“I, uh,” Steve rubbed his neck awkwardly and Rhodey chuckled. 

“I’m kidding, Steve. I know who you hoped it would be. It’s who we all want to see. Trust me, I get it. It’s good to see you though. I’m glad you’re okay.” 

Steve nodded. “Thanks. It’s good to see you too, of course it is. I just… wish it was under better circumstances.” 

Rhodey snorted. “Better circumstances are a myth when it comes to Tony Stark. Can we go inside? I’ve had a long flight and I’d kill for a coffee.” 

Steve nodded, gesturing for him to lead the way, and Rhodey made a beeline for the kitchen. 

Clint started the coffee as the others waited, looking at Rhodey expectantly. 

“I’ve spoken to him.” 

A barrage of questions was aimed at him, but given they all amounted to the same thing—when, and is he okay—he answered them all at once. 

“He’s not okay, no. I don’t think he’s been okay for a really long time, it’s just… showing itself a little more. He’s alive, and still a stubborn son of a bitch,” Rhodey said, shaking his head. “He’s got his mind set on finishing up this mission on his own, and nothing I said could change his mind. He uh, he asked me to tell you that he’s sorry he didn’t save you.” 

Steve frowned. “But he  _ did. _ ” 

“I think he meant the first time,” Rhodey replied, rubbing a hand over his face. “Tony has got it in his head that he failed you. He knew how much you feared being frozen again, and though he took you dying badly, I think this has him even more distraught than he was before. He feels like he failed you by not finding you when it first happened, and he wants to make sure that—and this is a direct quote by the way—’those fuckers won’t ever lay a hand on him again’.” 

Tears filled Steve’s eyes, even as Barnes reached out a hesitant hand to squeeze his shoulder. 

“How can he not know I need him here?” Steve asked, shaking his head. 

Rhodey sighed. “Tones has too many years of insecurities to count. He doesn’t see himself the way we do. He only ever sees what he thinks of as failings.” 

Steve shook his head, wiping his eyes impatiently. “We need to find him.” 

“I’m going to stick around here, if that’s alright with you?” Rhodey said, smiling his thanks when Clint handed him his coffee. “At least until Tones comes home.” 

“How do you know he will?” Clint asked, and there was an undercurrent of desperation in his tone, like he was almost begging Rhodey to give him some hope. 

“Because the little twerp always does,” Rhodey replied with absolute certainty. “He just likes to keep me waiting sometimes.” 

…

“Fury is sending us coordinates,” Natasha said, as the team and Rhodey gathered at the jet. “It’s another Hydra base, but this time was different. It was messier, and the whole base wasn’t exploded. More like a group of small explosions. On surveillance, there was a blur seen moving away from the explosions at speed.” 

Rhodey rubbed a hand over his face. “Can you connect me to him, J?” he asked softly, hoping that he could get the uplink between their suits online. 

There was a brief pause, and then JARVIS replied in the negative, sounding very apologetic. 

“Is he okay?” 

“I… am not at liberty to say, Colonel.” 

“Dammit, Tones.” 

The flight was mostly spent in tense silence, but thankfully, it wasn’t a long one. Only fifty minutes after taking off, Clint was lowering the jet to the ground, and they were mobilising to the site. 

As the rest of the team made their way inside, Rhodey looked around outside. 

“Are we close to any of Tony’s properties, J?” 

“Sir owns two properties nearby, Colonel. A warehouse and one of his ancestral homes.” 

JARVIS stressed the last two words, and Rhodey perked up. “Huh. Interesting.”

He geared up the repulsors and lifted into the air.

… 

Steve watched as Natasha gripped the hair of the Hydra agent that had been trying to sneak out unseen. His skin had burns and scrapes everywhere Steve could see, but the man seemed oddly delighted. 

“Who did this?” 

“Iron Man, of course,” the agent answered cheerfully. “You think we didn’t know who was targeting us? We were ready for him this time.” 

“Where is he?” 

“He flew off.” There was a gleeful chuckle. “He was injured quite badly. He’s probably dead by now.” 

Steve felt himself go cold, the denial in his mind strong. Tony wasn’t dead. He couldn’t even bring himself to consider the possibility. 

“Hey, Rhodes is leaving,” Clint said from outside the room, where he’d been scouting the corridors for more survivors. 

“Where are you going, War Machine?” Steve asked into the comms, frowning. 

“Following a hunch. I’ll stay in touch; let me know if there’s anything inside.” 

“I’ve got a survivor,” Nat said into the comms. Steve was glad she didn’t repeat the agent word for word, he didn’t think he could hear it again. “He confirmed it’s Tony that was here, and I think maybe Tony was injured as he left. Find him, Rhodes.” 

“I’ll do my best.” 

Steve sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. “Round up the rest of the survivors, guys. Hopefully by the time we’re done, Rhodes will have some good news for us.” 

… 

When Rhodey found him, he was half out of the suit, bleeding profusely and swearing up a storm. 

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, shaking his head. Tony whirled around, the one repulsor he still wore powering up. He dropped it when he saw that it was Rhodey, but by then the War Machine pilot had seen how pale his friend was, how pained his eyes were. 

“Enough is enough, Tones,” Rhodey said, stepping forwards. “Sit down before you fall down, dumbass.” 

“I’m fine, you need to leave,” Tony snapped. “I’ve got this under control, okay? I messed up; it won’t happen again.” 

“You got that right, because you’re not doing any more of this shit on your own,” Rhodey agreed. “The team are at the base; I’ll have them come pick us up. You need medical attention.” 

“Nope, absolutely not, Sugarplum. That’s not happening.” 

“You need to be seen by a doctor, you idiot,” Rhodey snapped. He moved even closer, shaking his head at the gashes on Tony’s torso. There was a particularly bad wound on his thigh, and Rhodey grabbed a t-shirt that had been discarded nearby, and pressed it against the wound to try and stem the bleeding. “What use are you going to be to anyone if you’re dead, asshole?” 

“Rhodes—” 

“No. No, Tones. I’ve tried to be understanding, and I get it, I really do. You think you’ve got things to make up for—which you’re wrong about by the way; you didn’t do anything less than your best for Cap—and I understand wanting to take Hydra out, I really do. Hell, everyone gets that. But I’m done letting you do it on your own, putting yourself in danger and trying to get yourself killed!” 

“Rhodey—” 

“We didn’t get Cap back just to sacrifice you, okay? It wasn’t some fucked up trade, that’s not how this works. We’re a team, dammit. And not the Avengers, I mean me and you. We’ve always been a team, Tones, and pushing me away, well, it just ain’t gonna work, you hear me?” 

Tony stared at him for a long moment before he nodded, closing his eyes. “Okay. Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. Call the… call them. Tell them where we are. I’ll come home.” 

Shifting forward, Rhodey pressed a kiss to Tony’s temple. “Thank you.” 

… 

The quinjet touched down and Clint opened the hatch at the back. Rhodey was waiting for them, holding Tony in his arms. 

“Is he—” 

“M’okay, Nat,” Tony mumbled, and she sighed with relief, stepping out of the way for Rhodey to walk up the ramp. He set Tony carefully on the bench that doubled as a bed when someone was injured, and then sat down on the floor beside him, holding his hand tightly. 

“Get us home, Clint. This little idiot needs medical treatment.” 

Clint nodded, saluting Rhodes with a small smile, before he turned back to the controls. Bruce stepped closer, eyeing Tony’s wounds critically. 

“Can I take a look, Tones? See if there’s anything I can do to help while we’re in the air?” 

Tony nodded tiredly. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Rhodes, and Nat leant against Steve’s side when she felt him trembling. 

“Hi, Tony,” Steve murmured, his voice shaky. 

They all saw the way Tony shuddered, and Rhodey grimaced. Steve flinched and didn’t say anything more, leaning his head back against his seat. 

Natasha watched as Bruce carefully checked Rhodey’s injuries. He looked upset, and a few of the particularly vicious looking injuries made his eyes flash green. 

She couldn’t help but feel guilty for the state of the team. Each one of them was hurt in one way or another, and it was her fault. 

Hadn’t she convinced Bruce to go to Tony in the first place? If she’d left him with whatever measure of peace he’d managed to find, he wouldn’t be in this state. If she’d followed him immediately when he left the compound, would she have been able to convince him to come home without all of this? 

She was thankful that Steve was still with them, of course she was, and she was glad that Tony had found him, but the price… the price was unfathomable. 

… 

“He’s probably not going to wake up for a while,” Rhodes pointed out, stepping into Tony’s room in the medical suite. He’d nipped out for some coffee, but he was unsurprised to find Steve still beside Tony’s bed, unmoved from where he’d been since they’d arrived. “You can go grab some food or a shower or a couple hours of sleep. I’ll make sure he doesn’t wake up alone.” 

Steve shook his head, smiling tiredly. “I can’t bring myself to leave,” he admitted. “If I come back and he’s not here, I just… I don’t know what I’ll do. These last weeks have been the worst since I woke up the first time.” 

“You love him, don’t you?” Rhodey asked, head tilting slightly as he took his own seat up again. 

“I think I always have,” Steve replied softly. “Even when we argued, he’s always been the brightest spot of this time.” 

“You never told him?” 

“I don’t need anything to change,” Steve said simply. “I’ve always been more than happy with Tony’s friendship. We were close, I think you know that? It was enough, it would have always been enough. I just… I hope I can get that back. He can’t even look at me right now.” 

“He still feels guilty,” Rhodey murmured. “It’s not right, we both know that none of what happened was his fault, but it’s the way he works. It’s why he always worked so hard on the equipment and the uniforms; to keep everyone safe. He took that responsibility solely on his own shoulders, so anytime someone gets hurt, he takes that responsibility too.” 

“It’s too much for any one person.” 

“It is. I guess I thought he was doing a little bit better than he actually was. I think we all dropped the ball a little here, but we thought we were doing what was best for him—giving him the space and peace he wanted—and that's all anyone can do.” 

“I know,” Steve sighed. “I don’t blame anyone—except Hydra, obviously—for any of this. I just want him to be okay, both physically and mentally. Hopefully, we can help him when he wakes up. Maybe if he knows that I don’t blame him, that nobody blames him for what happened, we can set him on the road to recovery.” 

Rhodey nodded. “I hope so, Cap. I really hope so.” 

… 

Tony woke up slowly. He felt a little like he was floating, detached from his body even; his mind felt like it was filled with clouds, his thoughts hard to parse, and long to come to him. 

He was in a white room. It took him a moment to realise it was a hospital room, but the white ceiling and walls were unmistakable. 

Rhodey was sitting in the seat beside him, and he smiled at his sleeping friend. He was always there when Tony woke up from being stupid. Beside Rhodey, Natasha sat with Clint sleeping with his head on her shoulder. She was looking at him, and her lips tilted up slightly when their eyes met. 

She nodded to his other side, and Tony slowly turned his head to find Sam and Barnes at the bottom of his bed, whispering softly to each other. Bruce was in the corner, his face buried in a medical file—probably Tony’s own. 

And beside him, holding his hand, was Steve. 

God but he was beautiful. 

His hair was messy, but looked softer than fur, and his eyes were bluer than the bluest ocean Tony had ever seen. 

Urgh, the meds were making him sappy. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t smiling like he usually was when Tony dreamed about him. His lips were downturned, and he looked tired, drained even. What if he wasn’t recovered from his time in the ice? 

And here Tony was, being an idiot, forcing him to follow him across the bloody country! 

God, he couldn’t get anything right when it came to Steve. 

“M’sorry,” he whispered, the words ragged and croaky, his lips and mouth and throat all dry. 

Steve startled and met his eyes, a flash of panic there and gone before Tony could be sure he’d seen it at all. 

“Hey you,” Steve murmured, stroking the back of Tony’s hand with his thumb. 

Tony could feel it now, the hand holding his own. He wanted to keep it forever, the warmth, the comfort, the…  _ Steve _ . 

Someone, probably Natasha, handed a small cup of ice chips over the bed for Steve to take in his other hand, and Steve let go of Tony’s hand to cup his face, helping him take them into his mouth. 

They were glorious, and Tony closed his eyes for a minute to just savour the cold wetness as they melted on his tongue. 

When he’d had his fill, Steve put the cup on the little table by the bed, and took Tony’s hand again, this time wrapping it within both of Steve’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Tony said again. It came out a little stronger this time. 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Steve replied. “We’re just glad you’re back home with us. We’ll look after you now, Tones.” 

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Tony said for a third time, because it was imperative that Steve understand that Tony really was sorry for letting him down. “I failed you and I’m so sorry. I didn’t, I’ll do better, I swear, I will, I’m sorry, Steve. I’m so sorry.” 

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Steve said softly. “I know you’re sorry, sweetheart, but you’ve got nothing to be sorry for, you hear me? You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I don’t blame you for anything, okay?” 

“M’sorry.” Tony was drifting again, and he tried to fight his eyes closing but it was a losing fight. “Sorry.” 

…

A hand rubbed at his back, but Steve paid it no mind. He couldn’t take his eyes away from Tony, blinking at the tears that blurred his eyes and letting them fall freely down his face so that they wouldn’t impede his sight. 

“He’ll be okay, Steve,” Bucky said softly, and it was only then did Steve realise it was Bucky that was rubbing his back. 

“He’s so sad and so scared,” Steve sobbed. “How do I fix that, Buck? How do I make him see it’s not his fault?” 

Bucky bit his lip for a moment. “I know a little bit about guilt, and I don’t think you can, Stevie. I think he has to do it by himself. Maybe he needs some time with that barf thing he gave me, I don’t know, but we can all be here beside him. That’ll help. Sam helped me by just being there, you know?” 

Steve nodded. “I’m sorry I wasn’t—” 

“Don’t be a dumbass, Stevie.” 

“Right.” 

“All we can do is be here for him,” Rhodey said, and Steve jumped. He hadn’t realised the other man was awake. “And I’m going to have a talk with him about JARVIS when he’s a little bit better too. I’m not having this happen again, I can promise you that.” 

Steve nodded again, because that was good. Even if Tony couldn’t be around  _ him,  _ at least the genius would have Rhodes. 

It would be enough to know that Tony was safe. 

Even if it would break Steve’s heart to be away from him. 

…

Bucky snuck into the medical wing. It had been four days since Stark had woken up, and while he’d been getting more ‘with it’ every day, Bucky had noticed something the others hadn’t. 

He slipped into Tony’s room, glad that for once, the genius was alone. The team were out dealing with the clean up from a clash between Doom and the Fantastic Four, and it was the only reason Bucky had a chance to catch Tony alone. 

Tony blinked at him slowly when he closed the door behind him, taking the seat that had been Steve’s since they’d fetched Tony home. Tony must have been dozing, because it seemed to be taking him a minute to focus. 

Bucky waited patiently, and eventually, Tony asked, “What are you doing here? Where are the others? Is Steve okay?” 

“He’s fine,” Bucky soothed. “Everyone is fine, they’re just helping clean up a little. A guy called Reed called them in.” 

He grinned when Tony wrinkled his nose. “Fucking Richards.” 

“That’s him.” 

“Asshole.” 

Bucky snorted but sobered. “You’re planning to ditch again, aren’t you?” 

Tony blinked at him, and then so smoothly it was actually impressive, an impassive mask took over his face. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “That might work with the others, pal, but I know someone waiting to escape when I see them. You think I didn’t have the exact same thought a hundred times when I first moved in with Sam?” 

Tony shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know what you’re—” 

“Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, Stark. You know that we can still take Hydra out, right? Hell, I’m on board for whatever shenanigans you’ve got planned, I owe them a beating, but doing it alone? It’s a stupid move, and I have it on good authority that you’re supposed to be a genius.” 

“You don’t get it,” Tony insisted. “I have to do this. I have to make sure that they can’t—that none of this can happen again.” 

“Why can’t you do that with your team?” Bucky asked. “They’re all willing, eager in fact, to see the back of Hydra. Safety in numbers, though, right? We can have your back.” 

“And what if someone else gets hurt? It’d be my—” 

“You’ve got a guilt complex like I’ve never known,” Bucky interrupted. “Hell, you beat Stevie, and I thought he was bad for taking on guilt for things that weren’t his fault. You’re doing the team, all of them, a disservice by taking on their mistakes, Tony. They know the risks every time they suit up. They know what they’re getting themselves into, and if they get injured, it’s not your fault. It’s probably not even their fault. Shit happens.” 

“Why do you keep talking about  _ ‘them’  _ like you’re not one of the team?” Tony asked, tilting his head. 

“Distracting me won’t work, you know?” 

“Just… you’re one of them too, Barnes. You have been since Steve came to get you and Sam; stop pretending like you’re not.” 

“You just did the same thing,” Bucky pointed out softly. “Guess we’ve both got things to work on, hmm?” 

Tony chuckled. “Oh, a therapist would skip the country and hide in the middle of a jungle rather than take on my baggage, Barnes.” 

“You and me both, pal. But hey, if I’m an Avenger, you’re definitely an Avenger, okay? And that means relying on your team to help you when you need it.” 

“Who says I need it?” 

“We all need a little help sometimes, Tony. There’s no shame in that. And honestly, I can’t cope with Steve’s puppy eyes if you skip out on him again. He’s been moping around like someone kicked his kitten.” 

“He doesn’t have a kitten.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. He’s missed you, and he’s worried about you. I know you’re doing all of this for Steve, and I get it, okay, I really do, but you’d do more damage to him by leaving again.” 

“Okay, so I admit you have a point about the team thing. I, uh. I won’t just leave. Rhodey might kill me anyway, so.” Tony swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. “I just… you can’t tell Steve this, okay?” 

“Okay,” Bucky said slowly, sitting back a little in his seat. 

“The thought of being back out in the field with him makes me nauseous. What if he gets hurt? What if I can’t get there in time to help him if he needs it, or if Hydra gets the drop on him? What if they do the same thing and I can’t find him and—” 

“It still wouldn’t be your fault.” 

Tony startled, his eyes wide and scared, and Bucky turned to see Steve standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame of it. 

Bucky stood up, reaching out to squeeze Tony’s hand. “Talk to him.” 

“I’ll leave him in your capable hands, Stevie,” he added, as he walked past his best friend. “Don’t screw it up.” 

Steve nudged him gently before he approached the bed, sitting down in the seat Bucky had just departed from. 

“What happened to me, the explosion, the freezing, all of it, none of it was your fault,” he said, his voice strong and confident. “You weren’t even there, Tones. In our line of work, we take risks. It’s what we do, it’s a perk of the job. One day, one of us might not come home, and that’s the risk we always take, but when we do it as a team, we’ve got a much better chance of coming home at the end of the day.” 

Tony nodded, looking down at his hands. 

“If you got injured, if your suit failed, or if you got kidnapped out of it, would you blame me?” Steve asked, and Tony frowned, shaking his head. 

“No, of course not.” 

“Then do yourself the same courtesy,” Steve replied. “I know the risks, Tony. I also know that I always feel better when you’re there, watching my back to the best of your ability like I know you always do. If anything happens to me, I’ll always know that you tried your best, okay?” 

Biting his lip, Tony glanced up at Steve. “Okay.” 

“So, no more of this lone ranger thing, please. We’re a team. We’ll fight as a team, and we’ll come home as a team, Tones. Just like we always have. Right?” 

“I… yeah. Together.” 

“Thank you.” 

… 

Steve listened as Tony outlined the next Hydra base he’d planned to hit. They were out of medical now, though Tony wasn’t fully healed. They’d have to wait at least a few days more before it would be safe for the genius to pilot his armour again, but Steve wasn’t in any big rush. 

He’d been trying to stay as close to Tony as he could without hovering, but Tony wouldn’t meet his eyes, despite the way he often looked slightly panicked when Steve was out of his line of sight. 

It was painful to see, and Steve just wanted to go back to normal. He wanted  _ his  _ Tony back; he wanted the casual touches, and the movie night cuddles and the nicknames and the banter. He wanted them to go back to spending time together, just them, and he wanted to see Tony comfortable in his own skin the way he’d always been before. 

He wanted Tony to get his light back. 

It was still there, but considerably dulled. Tony was hesitant, and he was slow to agree to things in a way he’d never been and Steve  _ hated it.  _

“It’s possible they’ll be expecting Tony,” Natasha pointed out. “Look what happened at the last base. We can use that to our advantage, let Tony lead the way in and we can go in a minute later from different angles. They won’t know what’s hit them.” 

“Seems a bit chancey with Tony’s safety,” Rhodes pointed out, and Steve could kiss him for it. 

“Sour Patch—” 

“Nuh uh. You scared me, you get to deal with this for a while now.” 

“You’re such a mamabear,” Tony said, rolling his eyes. “I’ll be fine.” 

“Like you were last time, you mean?” Rhodes asked, shaking his head. “Nuh uh. We’ve been stressing that this should be a team effort, so Tony goes in with the rest of us.” 

The others nodded their agreement, and the planning continued. Usually, Steve would be the one to take control of the meeting, his mind for strategy one of the best, but for this, he was content to sit back and let the team do their thing. 

He wasn’t convinced in his own ability to be objective. Part of him—a large part of him—wanted nothing more than to tuck Tony under a blanket and ply him with warm drinks and snacks; mostly to keep him where he was safe. 

Steve knew he couldn’t do that, but the compulsion was hard to ignore. 

Instead, he sat facing Tony and watched him gesture at the holograms shooting up from his tablet, and he waited patiently for the moment the genius would meet his eyes. 

… 

Rhodey tried not to track Tony too closely as they systematically tore the Hydra base apart. With so many of them, Tony couldn’t just blow the place up as he had been doing—they took the opportunity to take prisoners too, SHIELD practically dancing at their success. 

While Rhodey—and the rest of them—was tracking Tony, he couldn’t help but notice the way Tony tracked Cap. 

It was understandable, of course, in much the same way that they were all keeping a closer eye than usual on Tony, and it was sweet in a way, though Rhodey couldn’t help but wish that Tony would just be honest about his feelings for Steve. 

They all knew it, even if they hadn’t realised it before. 

Tony was very much in love with Steve; nobody grieved the way he had for a teammate, or even a friend. 

Boarding the quinjet afterwards, Tony and Rhodey both stepped out of their suits and joined the team, rather than flying back to the compound solo as Tony had been prone to doing before. 

“We should have a movie night tonight,” Clint suggested from the helm of the jet. “We had a good day right? And it’ll be nice, now that we’re all back where we belong.” 

There were different voices all agreeing to it eagerly, thought Rhodey realised Tony’s voice hadn’t joined the others. He glanced at his best friend to see him watching Steve from the corner of his eye. 

Steve was across the way, talking to Bucky and Sam, though he too kept glancing across, almost as though to make sure Tony was still there. 

Rhodey sighed. 

They were a little broken, all of them, in ways that he didn’t think would ever be fully fixed. They’d come entirely too close to losing two of their numbers, and every single one of them was struggling with it in their own way. 

While Rhodey felt a little bit removed from the team, he knew the feeling intimately when it came to Tony. 

“We’re going to add a few failsafes into JARVIS’ code tomorrow,” he murmured, nudging Tony with his elbow. 

“But—” 

“No. Not a question. You’re not blocking me out like that again, Tones. It’s not… it’s not fair.” 

“I… yeah, okay. I’ll add in a few lines of code so that I can’t turn my life signs off, okay?” 

“And that JARVIS can tell me where you are when you’re in danger, even if you don’t want him to,” Rhodey added. 

Tony sighed but nodded his head, leaning into Rhodey’s side. Rhodey lifted his arm to wrap it around Tony’s shoulders. “Thank you.” 

“Uh huh. Sorry I scared you. I, uh. Lost it for a bit there, huh?” 

“Little bit,” Rhodey agreed, his arm tightening slightly. “You just keep forgetting that you’re not alone, Tones. I’ll make you remember that if it’s the last thing I do.” 

“I just get a little trapped in my own head sometimes. It’s nothing that anyone else has done to make me think I’m alone, you know? It’s just…” 

“Brain goblins,” Bucky said, looking over from his conversation with Steve and Sam. “Everyone gets ‘em, Tony. Some people just get worse goblins than others.” 

Tony stared for a minute and then grinned. “Brain goblins. I like it.” 

“Well, yours can fuck all the way back under the bridge they came from,” Rhodey said, jostling Tony slightly. 

Laughing, Tony turned into him a little more. “I love you, Honeybear, but you’re thinking of trolls.” 

Rhodey smiled. “I love you too, and goblins can live under bridges as well. Prove me wrong.” 

… 

“Why is it always those two that are late?” Clint complained later, when they’d gathered on the sofas to find Tony and Steve missing from the group. Clint glanced longingly at the table full of snacks and drinks and sighed. 

“I’ll go find Tones,” Rhodey said, pushing himself up from the armchair he’d claimed. “If anyone steals my seat, I will sit on you. In the suit. You have been warned.” 

As he left the room, he heard Sam announce he was going to find the ‘other dumbass super soldier’, and chuckled to himself. He knew where Tony would be. 

Except when he arrived at the workshop, he realised that Tony wasn’t alone. 

Steve stood in front of him, clearly listening as Tony spoke, his arms gesticulating wildly as he tried to push his point. 

He stopped talking, and Steve must have been saying something, because Rhodey watched Tony’s eyes widen before he took an aborted step forward and then tumbled into Steve’s waiting arms. 

Rhodey smiled, leaning on the wall as he watched the two of them embrace for a moment, before he turned away, giving them some privacy. 

When he returned to the team, he smiled. “They’ll join us when they’re ready… or maybe they won’t. Actually, I’m kinda hoping for won’t.” 

Natasha grinned. “They’ve got their acts together?” 

“I sure hope so.” 

Clint huffed and started the movie, but even he was smiling softly, happy for his friends. 

… 

He’d escaped the team under the guise of getting a shower and clean clothes—which he actually did—and hightailed to the workshop. 

The thought of a movie night was both wonderful and terrible in equal measure and he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. It would be so easy to just fall back in beside Steve on the sofa, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to deny himself the comfort of Steve’s warmth. 

It was difficult, because Tony was still having moments where he struggled to believe Steve was  _ there,  _ and he didn’t know how to act around the super soldier now. 

Before, he hadn’t been fully aware of the strength of his feelings for Steve. Sure, he’d known he loved him, but he loved the whole team. And maybe Steve had been his favourite—most of the time, at least when he wasn’t being an idiot—but it had all been on the periphery of Tony’s awareness. 

Easy enough to ignore most of the time. 

Tony worked mindlessly for a little while, knocking out a little dent in the armour, more for something to do than because he absolutely needed to do it. 

When the workshop doors slid open, he was expecting Rhodey. 

He absolutely wasn’t expecting to find himself face to face with a freshly showered Steve, his hair still damp and his favourite comfort clothes draping wonderfully off him. 

“Uh. Hi,” Tony greeted, his cheeks heating up. 

“Hey Tones,” Steve replied softly. “I think the others are almost ready for the movie. Are you coming?” 

“I, uh, I was gonna… the suit, you know?” 

“It can’t wait? Not even until tomorrow?” 

Tony twisted his lips. 

“I uh, should do it and well, I mean, you don’t need me up there, right? You can have fun with the others and I’ll see you in the morning and—” 

“Tony, look at me.” 

“I am.” 

“You’re really not. Look at me. Please?” 

Tony forced himself to look up and meet Steve’s eyes. There was so much fondness and affection aimed back at him that he struggled not to look away again immediately. 

“I miss you, Tones.” 

“I’m right here.” 

“But you’re not, are you? Not really. I miss us, the way we were.” 

“I can’t,” Tony blurted out, and the hammer fell from his hand onto the desk with a clang. “I didn’t… Steve, I didn’t know how I felt about you before you weren’t here anymore, and it was fine, it was great, because I loved you but it wasn’t too much, you know? It was there and it was fine, but then you  _ weren’t there anymore,  _ and it made me realise how much I needed you, how much I loved you, and I  _ fell apart. _ ” 

Tony was gesturing wildly, getting more animated, and he tried to reign himself in because he shouldn’t be saying any of this—it was just going to make things even more awkward—but now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. 

“I don’t know how to pull myself back together again, and I don’t know how to behave with you anymore. I don’t know how to be with you when I want everything we had but I also want more than we had and—” 

“Tony, I love you. I’m  _ in love _ with you,” Steve interrupted gently. “I have been since… well, since forever, I guess. So maybe we can be all that we were and more, hmm?” 

Tony stared at him, wide eyed and shocked, as he heard the words Steve said on repeat in his mind. 

Steve  _ loved  _ him. 

Tony took a step forward before he could think better of it, and then tried to stay where he was, making himself stumble. Steve caught him, like he always did, and Tony just let go, sinking into the embrace as if his whole body had turned to jelly. 

… 

Steve held Tony tightly, hardly able to believe he was finally,  _ finally,  _ holding the man he loved. They stood there for a long moment, until Steve drew Tony over to the small sofa, sitting down and tugging Tony down onto his lap, keeping him securely wrapped up in his arms. 

“I’m sorry for how much hurt you’ve gone through in the last few years, sweetheart,” he murmured, pressing his lips to Tony’s temple. “But I’m here now, and you’re here, and it doesn’t make sense to waste any more time, hmm?” 

Tony shifted a little, though he made no move to get away from Steve. 

“You really… you love me?” 

“So much,” Steve confirmed. “And what we had before, it was always enough, Tones. Just having you near, it made me happy. But to know that you love me too, that’s everything.” 

“It’s hard to believe that this is real. I keep feeling like I’m going to wake up, back in my cabin, and this will all have been a really long dream.” 

Steve smiled slightly. “It’s real, sweetheart—though I’ve been hearing a lot about this cabin. Any chance you’ll take me to visit?” 

Tony chuckled. “I’ll have to,” he admitted. “My boys are there, I need to pack them up and bring them home.” 

“I wondered where they were. It’s weird coming down here and not being prodded and poked by DUM-E.” 

“I know. They’re going to be so mad at me. I’ve never left them alone for this long, not since Afghanistan, anyway.” 

“They love you,” Steve said, because he truly believed they did, in a way that only AIs could. Nobody who knew JARVIS could ever convince Steve that Tony’s AIs didn’t have emotion. “They’ll be glad to see you.” 

Tony nodded against his chest and then, slowly, pushed himself so he was sitting up. “We should, uh, probably join the team, right? That’s why you came down here.” 

Steve nodded, helping Tony up first before he pulled himself to his feet. He reached out to cup Tony’s cheek with one hand, and then bent slowly to press their lips together in a sweet, chaste kiss. 

“I love you.” 

Tony smiled up at him, his eyes shining brightly, and Steve realised that his light was back. He beamed back at the genius. 

“I love you too.”  ****


End file.
